Please Survive

To be honest, I am afraid sharing this because I was thinking that, “people might see me weak because I’m sharing my struggle”, but I think I really need to, especially on this site because it’s my new “pour down your feelings out” also because I ran out of journals. Another reason is I am a second-year psychology student, and to be a psychologist on training, I had in mind that I have to be “strong” so that people will see me that way and would not be afraid to ask help from me because I am “mentally and emotionally healthy”. I keep on having anxiety since June 2020. Harry Stack Sullivan describes anxiety as,

It’s been already a couple of months that I am constantly fighting my anxiety. It’s pretty new because I don’t usually “feel” like this before especially when I was in Davao having my normal life as a college student. Let’s break down that “anxiety” I am feeling. 1. Sadness. Sadness with no absolute reason which leads to 2. I feel awfully longing for something, a connection. 3. I am irritable because I get to be 4. Uneasy because I am fearing uncertainties. 5. I feel worthless. 6. I feel unloved. 7. I am physically tired always. Sure, I experienced separation anxiety because I was away from my family back then, but the anxiety that I am experiencing now (even here in my hometown with my family) is pretty different. I don’t buy the idea that I am feeling this way because this was the thing I was trying to prevent in the very first place. But wow, it caught me unguarded.

It’s like I am constantly sad. Every waking up it seems like the grief and sadness is gravity that keeps on pulling me down. So heavy. So tiring. The third week of June is fine, but as days passed by, I never thought that the “feeling” demands more from me. It demands my attention. It demands my tearless reaction. The tiring part? It demands me to overthink A LOT and be physically drained. I am so physically tired I can’t manage my sleeping hours. I keep on pretending to myself that “I’m okay.” This is, “nothing”. I have to be, “strong” in my thinking because I am a psych student. How can I help people who feel the same thing if I myself is on the leash of such circumstance? In psychology, one of our professors told us that in every behavior, there is an ABC. (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence).

At first, I was not aware why I was feeling the “sadness” in me, but I tried confronting my feelings and found out the cause (I’m not going to share why) and when I knew, I know I don’t have the choice than to accept that reason because it seems the reason is not worth fighting for. So I decided to accept it, but as weeks passed by, the longing sadness gets into me, over and over again. Plus, not to mention the online class where requirements are always on the waitlist. I know my priorities, and I really REALLY work on time so that it’ll be passed on time. But there are weeks that I am paralyzed from doing it. I couldn’t follow my class schedules which if I am okay, I can follow it smoothly. Ugh. Everything is so messy. I stopped working out my body because I just can’t manage my time. I was so messy. I myself was discouraged from my state. This is not smooth. This isn’t the BD I used to know. I am saying to Nanay that I am not really okay. And sometimes on the tip of my mind, I want to see a counselor. I tried so much to keep myself together.

Thankfully, we are currently taking up Theories of Personality in one of our major subjects now, and then there are Freud’s defense mechanisms, and I literally can bring myself to a lot of defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are the way we deal with stress in life. Regression is the defense mechanism that I saw in myself, in which one returns to its former or less developed state. Like a childlike attitude. Like for example, when I feel sad I had to play a toy for me to feel okay. Just last week, I told my parents to buy me three kiddie meals from Jollibee. Weird. Super weird. But I am aware I am feeling it. Thankfully, also, there is this Adlerian theory in which its concept thrives me to be better as all the inferiorities “will lead to thriving” to be a better person. I bought that idea in my heart.

But as I keep on looking on the bright side, I always find myself going back to square one. I am afraid this will be a habit. I don’t want to stay on my mind anymore, to any expectations, to any hopes. Will I still be a good Psych despite me acting like this? I remembered someone told me a couple of years ago the words, “Please survive”. That time, I was so impacted making me survived that stint. Now, I think I needed to hear it again. Not with anyone but from myself. You know when you’re sad and stressed out, you cannot easily pray. And I found it so hard to pray. I changed my prayer habit and tried listening to worship songs and then read Psalms because David from the Bible seemed to experienced sadness too and lots of mixed emotions (see Psalms). But still, I am so messy doing it. I am not constantly doing it, and I super feel guilty. But I know that if there’s Someone Who understands me better and specifically, it’s Him. It’s always been Him.

The verse, 1 Peter 5:7 has nothing to me before then it ever was to me today.

“Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares on you”.

1 Peter 5:7

I realize and internalized the message of that verse pretty much these times. Because I am anxious about a lot of things. My Nanay bought me the calligraphy of that verse from a friend and I displayed it in my room to keep the hope ups.

Still, the anxious feelings won’t just go away. Deep inside me, I never wanted it because there are too many people who feel sad and depressed, I told myself before I don’t want to be added on the list because that’s really the reason why I took up psychology course, to be someone’s hero and encourager, and little angel, but this time, I am having a hard time just like maybe everyone else too. And I am afraid that my numbness will turn into a “I don’t care anymore”.

This is a pretty heavy read, but God knows I am trying (especially now) my best to see myself on the safe ground once more. I can see myself still that there is an end to every tunnel, and I will be there too. Just today, thankfully, I woke up earlier than I did compare to last weeks and I managed to do my own “work out” time, drank coffee while reading my Daily Bread book, and my Bible— plus a talk with old friends.

Life is never easy. But we have to get up anyway.

Do the next right thing.
One day at a time.

And day by day, please survive.

To you too, who feels the same way, please survive. There’s more to this. 

Always and forever,

Kryzylle Nicole