coffee reads


I really don’t know what to write. It’s just…it’s just everything does not making sense. I am messy. It’s like I have been dispersing—in disorder. Entropy? Probably. Here I am thinking about the words I said to a friend last month and it made me feel awful— why do I have to express that much? Have I gone way too much? It absolutely making me uneasy. I feel mortified why I spoke it in as much as intensity I should’ve stopped myself from speaking of. 

I spoke too much, but I was given a silence respond. And silence is defeaning, but in there, lies a great response. Sometimes being too expressive caught me unguarded. But what choice do I have? I just let it out, right? There’s no other way I could relay my inside message than of speaking genuinely what is really happening. I don’t want to carry an unspoken message unto my grave anyway.

I am messy because I could not please people around me. My parents, especially. I know I am a disappointment. I can’t help at the house to the extent that they want, and I honestly feel useless. Sure, I am doing my best in all the little things that I can, but honestly I feel like they just support me when conditions are favorable, of course it has to be that way. I feel like they kind of regret on having me at the house. I just really feel that way. No kidding. So now, whenever I work some house chores, I feel like it’s nothing at the end, it’s like it doesn’t contribute anything for the betterment of the house.

Today I worked with the dishes, and when tomorrow comes that I fail to attend the clothes for folding, my previous help is not counted, seems like forgotten. And I am often labeled as someone who has not done anything to help. I wake up early even though my back hurts and I am not completely well because my mind just perpetually think overnight (schoolwork adds), and that early waking up time is not even that supposed-to-be-early at the people in the house. So I often stood up from my bed feeling weak, but I have to get up anyway. I don’t understand anymore. Messy.

So messy. I don’t even know anymore how or when to place myself unto the appropriate things. I just can’t.

Oh, finally, as I am writing this one I finally knew two of the things why I get so stressful these days. Glad I cracked the code. So what am I going to do? Just do the next right thing as what Anna from Frozen 2 said. The right next decision on board is what I can handle to keep on going on. So, the next right thing until I get done confronting these issues.

I hope this mess will fall on the right place one day. To their proper lessons, and to their own pace, they’ll be resolved. As for me? I am tired. Both physically and mentally, and emotionally. But glad I am aware. And when one is aware of their problems, they will surely fix it in no time. I take this as a concept of entropy. Yap, the second law of thermodynamics, ugh, one of the favorite concepts ever presented to me. To disperse in disorder. I have read a book entitled, “This Explains Everything” and one of the proponents of that book named John Tobby mentioned about entropy that says, “Entropy make things fall, but life indiguosly rig the game, so when they fall, they often fall into place”.

Sure, I am a mess right now. I’ve done so many things that I kind of regret later on. I am constantly trying my best to be better, to please people and to be of help, but only leading to more dispersing stuff. But I will sure take heart that this lacking of direction to where I am leading and this mess will land me on a place where I can finally say “it makes sense to disperse in disorder first, so that when everything will be on its proper places, I can say that the mess is indeed a message”. And perhaps I will appreciate it more, right? Things go wrong before they go right. Yes, and oh, you can’t really make an omelette without breaking the egg.

hebrews 11:16

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