coffee reads

Why I hate myself?

Have you ever just hate yourself? Take this from me. These past few days, I hated myself. I hate why I am not beautiful like other girls. I hate myself for not being academically inclined. I always fall short on my academics. I hate myself for not having the talents I wish I could have.

I hate myself for having the ability to be so expressive in writing and ended up hurting my own feelings, thinking of why in the world I shared this with someone and the public? Exactly. I hate what I am doing now. I am supposed to be studying for some exams this Thursday, but here I am typing these words out of rage and doubts and yes, hate feelings about myself.

I hate the fact that I easily find someone attractive and create a life with them in my imagination. I hate myself for living in books I read and movies I watched. , I hate my clothing style. I hate that I was so trying hard to be better at myself but then ended up as worse as I wouldn’t even think. I hate myself for seeing everyone instantly forgivable. I hate myself for expecting way too much of something and from someone. I just can’t stop hating myself.

But on top of all, I hate myself for hating myself like this.

True, there are days we will find ourselves in a very low mood, not on the verge of doing anything we think ‘productive’, and if we notice we are not that productive, we will feel bad at our ability. Living life like you have to please all people and or a certain person does not really give you freedom.

Freedom to be at peace in your choices and the way you would live your life out. What I really hated about myself, is the truth that I was able to hate myself in ways I shouldn’t…I mean, I have realized that if there is someone who would be there to give you a pat on the back, nonetheless, it is you and you alone.

It’s super easy to devalue ourselves when we find other people excelling in the same field we are walking. It’s easy to compare ourselves to other else’s ‘greener grass’ when we tend to situate the laser focus on them. Sometimes, you have to look closely at yourself and what you can uniquely do to serve your purpose. And when you start to notice your purpose, that’s the time you will gain the freedom from trying to please everybody because of certain norms or whatever.

It’s difficult to wake up into a day having to set in your mind to ‘I should be this and that so that she or he will be pleased.’ Wait, I’ll just drop by some psychological theory I literally answered just this morning during an oral examination in Theories of Personality subject.

We were given ‘The Case of Patrick’, in which on that case being given, respectively, Patrick wants to excel in athletics and academics not for himself but for his father due to the reason that his father is an athlete, and by that being said, as a father who seems to show high standard for his children, Patrick was pushed to do such thing is reliant of his father’s want. But most of the time, such does not give complete satisfaction.

When viewed in Karen Horney’s Psychoanalytic Social theory, one of the concepts there is the tendency for an individual “to move towards people”, meaning, it is a morbid dependency to be compliant to other people, and would rate themselves on what other people would tell. To make the case short, Patrick grew tired of it and then ended up having that sense of actualization at the end of the day, by fixing himself about the view of his goals trying to please his father.

We have been like Patrick. I have been, and honest to goodness, I have been trying the best I can to not be able to inflict myself with such tendency because if there is something really hard for a person to bear every day, is the burden to carry other people’s opinion about them and make sense of it (we can never in the world make sense about other people’s opinion towards us, never. because people will always have something to say) Like for example, while writing this? I feel like not posting this because other people would see this overacting and maybe it will garner few likes than what I supposedly want. And that is not really healthy.

But we are already ending this article as I needed to study and fix myself then go to bed, so, instead of trying to figure out what would people respond to this article, I say, I don’t have much care at all. Writing this is already rewarding as it is therapeutic for my mental health and self- regulation to be at ease in these seemingly trying times in our lives.

So, maybe, at the very least reason of why I hate myself is because of not finding the potential, I would otherwise have if I am way too focused on what other people say more than what I could do, with me and God.

And oh, I would hate myself more if I am just going to keep these bothering thoughts bottled up inside me and refuse to share it. There you go. That’s it.

…and to you, please don’t be too hard on yourself. You might not think it often, but you are truly everything you wish you were. It’s all just a matter of perspective. Be patient with yourself. Alright, we’re good.

stay safe.

Always,

Kryzylle Nicole

p.s
i don’t hate myself anyway.



Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”

hebrews 11:16

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