look closely

I don’t know who’s to blame to what I feel if I only knew you came along pretty pixelated on the reel.

I don’t know if this feeling makes sense on a larger scale when I try to look at you microscopically, and dear, you look so pale.

How I wish I knew the reason why I feel sad when you close the door when I try to enter. Coz hey, now, I am peering into a heart of an electron, and it is way hard for a clear conclusion.

I don’t know if it is right for me to feel bad that I am here outside of that door when you there are trying to chase a lost guest that is already not at your guest table. Or maybe, for you to know, the guest is also outside of your house. I don’t know why you are trying to make the guest sit in the few chairs you prepared for the important people in your life, when in fact, that guest does not honor that offer anymore. It is good for you to put reserves, but dear, the guest won’t be back in as much as you want.

How I wish I knew when to decide to let go of this silent plea to peer unto this door and prepare a chair for me too. For you to know, I have been there long enough I caused my hands too numb I couldn’t feel the cold doorknob. But since you won’t look closer, I did. When I saw what’s inside, the dying embers of the heart’s firey hope lingered, as I saw that you really never had any available chairs inside. Even a single for that guest. What you have is an empty space, with a white wall and a wooden floor. So, perhaps, I thought. You are never really welcoming anybody into that house because if you had, you would’ve prepared for a chair, at least one chair. Or maybe you welcomed them into your heart most of the time that you don’t have time for a surface talk through a chair. And so I knew from then on, the reason why you don’t let me enter through that door intentionally, maybe because you see me as someone who needs a chair to sit on so that I could get to know you, way deeper.

I don’t know if you only knew that I too do not like chairs that much for people to find comfort with while talking to me. I can squat on the floor, perhaps stand behind the wall, with this, I should know when I will come to fall.

I don’t know if this makes sense. But wait, what?!?

ohh… I am looking at the wrong door!

I don’t know who’s to blame to what I feel if I only knew you came along pretty pixelated on the reel.

p.s

hiii. it’s 1:41 am, Saturday, 7th of August 2021 here. i am not yet sleeping. yeah, my mom was right that eating two sweet cupcakes would really keep me up all night…so, that’s a little literary piece I just wrote. HAHHHHA. i don’t even know if it makes sense.