coffee reads

Who would be there for you?

hello. I just want this article to be soft and easy to read, so I’m going to be writing this as short as possible and you know, that kind that seems this message is for you exclusively. 

First, I just want to say my thanks that you clicked that link over there and made effort to read this because I know very few people do that. they just look at the post and reacted or for some, looking at the post is enough and they forget that it exists. hahaha, so yes, I am truly grateful that you came a little bit far here to read this. after all this is a safe space. our safe space.

I am going to start by asking you how are you? I mean, how are you, really? 

I know that could be a question that can be way too tough to answer right now, considering that you might be struggling at some point in your life regardless if it is fatal or just plain sadness you feel almost every day. tsk.

If you happen to feel that way, or feelings that can be likened to that, please, please know that you are heard and those are things that make you human. sometimes other people seem to invalidate what we feel because they find it just mere sadness or loss of interest that cannot really affect you in the long run. some would just say, “shrug it off, that is nothing compared to what I have been through”. familiar? yes, and it is a hard pill to swallow to set aside what you feel or what you are struggling with because of that instant toxic positivity. sometimes you just want to let them know that you are too, a normal person who is like everyone else is experiencing inner struggles that no words can explain, but only can be understood by a nonjudgmental and listening ear. 

You know sometimes I want people not to know me based on what they knew me. I am a psych student and I grow as a Christian, I mean, someone that seeks Him genuinely. So whenever I try to open up that something is not right with what I feel, I sometimes get some comments like maybe I haven’t trusted Him or I made sin and what’s hard to battle is when people start to tap on your college course and say that of all people, I am supposed to regulate myself because I am a psychology student. hahaha. in which I agree, because I am supposed to be self-regulatory, and I am doing my very best to do that, honestly. I meditate, I pray, I even have a journalling hobby. I read self-development books. I write my schedules prior to the day I’ll head-on. I am organized. I read my Bible. I talk to Him. but there are days that these beautifully crafted to-dos can’t even have the taste of that “check” sign-in which would indicate that I have done the task. I get messy. very messy? hihi. it is messy when my own hidden monsters start to peek not under my bed, but right inside of my mind. 

But in as much as I want to hide those monsters ( whatever form or thoughts they might be ), they start to arise as something else or something bigger to the point I can’t hide them enough. 

Looking at these monsters is like staring at the abyss with eyes closed because I don’t want to say they are real and that I am absolutely doing fine because truly I can just forget them and continue being oblivious about them. The more I do that, the more helpless I become. That is why one day I start to acknowledge them. I tried to trace where did they come from. I tried to open my eyes and stared back at them with the hope that it might go away and never be back because they are so competitive and not very friendly, and as someone who is friendly, I can always just welcome them and lay their fangs on me. 

I knew that there is something more that I can do except ACKNOWLEDGING them. I can fight them by addressing them. Well, the discomfort of knowing not the reason for your struggles is way harder than the struggle itself. Yes, it is pretty vague to win at something that you aren’t sure of because you quite don’t know how to fight. am I going to do offense or defense? well, both! regardless of whatever they are because I have seen that they are discomforts, I really need to do something. 

…And here I am trying to figure out how to shoo them away because I really don’t want them, and they make me really unproductive and SO-Not-ME. but what I really like to address for now to myself is that it doesn’t matter if I was known strong and that I am a Christian and that I am a psych student, because having these titles on seem to invalidate my struggles and seem to say that they’re just on my head, or I get to know how to move on. I want to be known as a human being that, just like other people, can freely express what they find discomforting and struggling. 

and I hope you do too. 

Okay. this. all of us, as in US are struggling with our own monsters, regardless if they are that kind who hides under our beds or in our heads or people or event… but I hope that whenever you feel them peeking at you, let them know that you see them and that you are going to fight them and that you don’t need to fight them at one night or knock them all down in one time, but you can fight them gradually until their fangs no longer hold your neck until the day comes that they are so afraid to show themselves at you because you yourself have become so genuinely strong they can’t lay their eyes at you.

Lastly, if you believe in Him, believe in Him all the way ( by simply typing this part, I feel this is so personal because no one can really steal your faith if you are rooted in Him, and it feels so good.) I am not saying that having no faith in GOD causes your struggles or what, I am just saying that having faith in Him helps a lot too in overcoming your own monsters. And yes, I testify. 

As per last words, I hope you will find the courage to say you are not okay sometimes, and also find the courage to stand up against these discomforts. may you find ways how you are going to position yourself when they arrive and respond to the best that you can, okay? I was reprimanded last night by my mom because I seem to just let my emotions dance even they slay me, but I guess that was worth reprimanding for because I haven’t done any effort yet as to how I would deliberately fight back ( sorry, mom!), but now I guess writing this one is one step to slay them with a class. 

So I hope you stay well and stay kind to your mind, ha? it is very hard these days, promise, I mean, no joke, that is why if people cannot be there for you at the peak of your emotions because everyone seems to be having their own struggles as well, be there for yourself especially if you know some ways how to calm yourself.

…because when your thoughts turn to be not subtle, who do you think would be there for you? 😉

you stay safe. <3

Always,

Kryzylle Nicole

hebrews 11:16

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