an open letter for Aslan

The thing about growing up is forgetting about what happened in the past. But if there’s something I cannot fade into mind is You. That moment I knew You, it was as though knowing a precise figure out of the abstraction. I felt the most incredible comfort I couldn’t even begin to describe. It was as though I was standing on a precipe, but the cliff was worth the fall. I have believed that when You shake your mane, the spring arrives from the long winter. When You step afoot, the ground shakes. Your roar separates the valley from the hills.

I love Your sovereignty.

I just loved it.

It makes me still.

It calms me.

Mr. Tumnus was right that You are not a tame lion, but You are good. I know You are good.

The way Lucy touched Your mane and how she hugged You so tight… those were priceless. I wish I could do the same because I would do it every now and then if I had the chance. The way she spoke at You and how You talked to her were majestic.

Aslan, Your voice…. Your voice calms me every single time. I never had the chance to hear it for myself, though, but hearing it from Lucy, always covered me with ease. I wish I have seen You the way Lucy did. I was once inquisitive and curious like her, but something really changes when you grow up. I lost track. I haven’t been thinking about Narnia for some quite time now because I have stopped believing in its magic. Maybe I do think still, but not the way I did once.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Because the very thing that gave you comfort before is turning into a cold familiarity, or worse, deliberate forgetting. Maybe the White Witch, Jadis, gave me too much Turkish Delight that was why I was drowning in the snow? Do you think the Telmarines became a significant factor in why I am like this now? Well, Prince Caspian already shared a victory in that battle, right?

I don’t know. Sometimes I think I wanted to be like Susan way too much, too much as Lucy did when traveling on a voyage. I remember what you said to Lucy when she was facing the mirror. She lost her value because she kept looking to others and not focusing on her own. Or maybe because I haven’t felt You for some quite time now, unlike before?

Aslan? Does the winter really bother me much that I forget how it meant to hope for spring?

Do I need to look for a wardrobe to see You?

Do I need to wait in a train station and experience a magical event to be transmitted to Narnia?

Please tell me if I need to look at a painting of a voyage in the middle of the ocean for me to feel the water so that when I look up from the shallows, I can see the skies of Narnia.

I don’t know how…but one thing I do remember is Your loving-kindness.

Your forgiveness.

That stone table.

The one that was cracked right before Lucy and Susan’s eyes when they thought You were dead.

That time when you sacrificed Your life for Edmund.

That very stone table cracks.

You rose up from it.

You told them that when a willing victim who has committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the stone table would crack, and Death itself would start working backward.

These very words always is familiar to me, Aslan. It reminds me of Someone too.

That has always been light after the tunnel for me.

Now, I haven’t really talked to You that much, but I have imagined You lately.

You are on my mind, Aslan.

One thing I know is that I want to be with You. I want to hug You the way Lucy did. That kind of moment when I see You from a distance and run with so much joy, and just roll over You. And then we could talk. A lot.

I have lots of things to say, to be honest.

Of course, I can’t wait to hear Your voice for myself. Aslan, I need You. I have always need You.

I hope You will come to my rescue. Don’t let the sharp fangs of this world elude me from its sadness. Don’t let the blood of inner struggles completely take me from You. And please, Aslan, don’t let the numbness of my hand stop me from breathing.

Please, come quickly if You may.

Don’t worry because as long as this faith as a mustard seed is on my palm, I will continue to hold on to Your words.

I miss You, Aslan.

I have always missed You. I knew it. I knew You would come.

This winter shall soon be over. The spring will bloom again.

Until then, I will always turn my eyes to YOU.

You were, You are, and You will always be my most excellent comforter, my closest friend, and my breath.

Let me hear You roar again.
I shall be meeting You, Aslan.
I still believe in You.

The thing about growing up is forgetting about what happened in the past. But if there’s something I cannot fade into mind is You.

Yours,
Just another Lucy from this fallen world

p.s

I love You. I really still do.