coffee reads,  some moments

Dear 2022, I hate you

Dear 2022,

I hate you.

I hate you for opening the month with numbness and mental discomfort.

I hate you for giving close friends who aren’t loyal and trustworthy. I hate you for letting me stick with people who will not believe my side. Worse, they ended up believing other people’s version of stories (who they had just met) and would not give me a chance to present the truth.

I hate you for a series of betrayals. They say the worst betrayals are with close people, and yes, they’re right. It is more than a romantic heartbreak to be turned down by a close friend over someone I cannot believe they would ever choose to turn their sympathy to. I hate you for dishonest people who took advantage of my kindness. I hate you for the false accusations of being a third party in a relationship (that wasn’t actually a legit relationship) and made me the subject of the “reason” for their parting. Where mutual friends can feast over social media with their popcorn and unsolicited advice and opinions that want to support their exaggerated story version. I hate you for letting them hurt me without me even stating a single word to defend myself. I hate you for giving them the entitlement to be a victim and consider me the nemesis.

It hurts me that until now, most people think I was the enemy and the reason for her heartbreak. Worse and worse, I hate you for letting the truth slip into the hands of unwise, inconsiderable, and biased people….I just hate you for slipping the truth about what really happened. That is, only the “council” knew how to have a systematic conversation where two sides should give their statement without giving someone much more sympathy because of gender….if only they had been logical and reasonable, the problem would not escalate.

I hate you for trying to let me defend myself. Yet, the people around to believe me won’t buy it because they all have different, distorted versions of the story. More, I hate you for false reconciliations. For letting some people reach me, but ended up trying to put the spotlight on them for them to be displayed as “the hero who forgives” in the story. Later, I found out that the false information keeps circling around the people who connect to me, trying again to undermine them in hopes of exposing me as the “fault in their stars.” they never stop. She didn’t.

I hate you for giving me extra patience to try confronting them and saying reasonable things…yet, you didn’t. I was helpless. Really. I hate you for making me believe that church hurt isn’t true. Well, it is true. In fact, most of the hypocritical people are standing in the pulpits talking about GOD, worshipping GOD, and those who seem to advocate righteousness. It took me 22 years to realize they’re not. Yet, you slap that truth right in front of me.

I hate you for giving me hope for a stable job, yet I was hindered. I hate your fake smiles of people I considered dear. I hate you for letting me know about reformed theology because many people do not support it and, worse, attack me indirectly because of my system of beliefs. I hate you for letting me feel I am alone this year. I am traumatized by kind people because they’re not really kind. I hate you for the injustice. Letting a cheater in a quiz get high scores and letting the honest one fail it. I hate you for people who are trying to break friendships on purpose. I hate their insensitivity and false intentions of kindness. I cannot even wrap my mind around it.

Lastly, I hate you for letting me be offloaded on an international flight planned a long time ago because you already gave me a series of unfortunate events in the past months. The trip was supposed to pacify my mental numbness and sadness. Yet, surprisingly, it becomes the grandest topping of all the unfortunate events. I hate you for letting me be extra traumatized in the immigration station. I hate you for their way of interrogations that seem to be in a literal courtroom. I hate you for that worst day of my life….going home back to the province and trying to convince myself I am fine and nothing’s wrong. I hate you for hurting me and trying to convince me that GOD is not good.

Yet… upon going home. I realized something…. seems like an entropy of events occurred just at that moment. A sudden indescribable comfort. A nostalgic of the future. A strange comfort that won’t really comfort me if it is from a human perspective.

By which right now, I am getting back what I said,

Year 2022, thank you.

Thank you for opening the year with numbness and discomfort that drives me to be strong mentally and cling to the movie, ‘it’s okay not to be okay,‘ which validated my situation.

Thank you for giving me close friends that are not loyal and won’t believe my story because it only meant they’re not the real ones for me. Thank you for saving me from them as early as possible.

Thank you for the series of betrayals. For letting me see that people close to you won’t necessarily mean they would fight or stand for you when tough comes and would choose other person’s wellness because they were just emotionally attached at that time. Thank you for letting me know that the world is unfair and that we can be all alone but not lonely because there are one or two persons who at least stood by me.

Thank you for letting me be falsely accused. With that, I exercised one of the Spirit’s gifts: long-suffering. Thank you for letting me see that people I looked up to because of their involvement in the church be changed and that they, too, can make a pretty stupid move that even an unbeliever would despise. Thank you for letting me not defend myself and state my side because it only meant GOD would do the thing for me. And oh, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE DAY GOD will move about it, which now, I can see GOD’s move through unexpected people that wants to know what really happened and believing in our side.

Thank you for letting them see me as “nemesis” because I was able to asses myself if it is really true, asked some logical people about it, yet ended up not clinging to such a title. One day I woke up with a clear conscience that that wasn’t me. Thank you for that. I have never been a nemesis.

Thank you for letting me see some unwise and inconsiderate people around me… it only means the world is pretty unkind, and you tell me that no one is worth our trust than the LORD HIMSELF. Thank you for the false reconciliations that only opened my eyes about the difference between genuine kindness and kindness highlighted for public use, and how not to use the latter.

Thank you for the extra patience you have let me used not to confront them and for making me silent up until now. I cannot wait to use my card to present my side of the story in the right place and at the right time. For people to see, especially those who doubt the truth.

Thank you for letting me know that church hurt is true. It only means there is no perfect church and that forgiveness is always available. You let me have this intense love for the CHURCH— the BODY of CHRIST. As for hypocrisy, we are all hypocrites. We shouldn’t be that self-righteous because, in the very first place, our righteousness comes only from CHRIST. This should teach us to forgive 77 times and look unto JESUS. This should give us the strength to love the body of CHRIST despite the hurt.

Thank you for the experience of having a job, even for just a short while. It shows me a spectrum of people and emotions and how I can help them someday.

Thank you for the fake smiles of people I considered dear. I have the opportunity to be genuinely kind with clear intentions.

This. Thank you for letting me know about reformed theology. I waited 22 years for this spiritual breakthrough. You gave me a clear view of my Christian faith that even unbelievers would buy it. Thank you for letting me know about Luther and its 95 theses. For Calvin and for the discouraging yet truth of the doctrine of TULIP, for Paul Washer with his “I don’t know why you’re clapping, I am talking about you,” famous line, for letting me see the courage of John Mcarthur to stand for truth against false, for the tireless work done by Justin Peters in exposing the NAR movement, for the LONG for Truth youutube channel… and for Mr. Sproul, whose sermons I took as a coffee most days.

Enough with the reformed stuff.

Thank you for letting me be alone this year. I found someone who’s a safe space for life. Thank you for the injustice because it makes me believe YOU ARE SOVEREIGN still. Thank you to the people trying to break friendships on purpose; now, I know the real ones and who are not. You make me assess them reasonably and see how repugnant it is to act the same.

Lastly, thank you for the experience of the offload. Despite it is traumatizing. It allows me to feel that strange comfort, and it makes me say, “the LORD gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Dear 2022,

You let me see and believe that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, still. That is enough for me.

Dear 2022, you’re a tough one, yet maybe it is a wonderful medium for growth, in light of eternity in pursuit of HIS GLORY alone.



hebrews 11:16

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